I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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