ya dads aren't the best wingmen
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
