Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
