i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
