He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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