I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
