Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
It's no shave November. This is our time.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
