apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
