Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
