I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Someone signed my nipple.
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