If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Reggie can tackle my bush.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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