Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Randomize
