I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Vodka?
Forever.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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