i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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