i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
