I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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