I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
