Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
