Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
