i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
