Kiss
Puke
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
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I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
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I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
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