At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
