Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Quick, to the slutcave!
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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