My friends, they love my intelligence
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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