I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
did i walk over a car last night?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
