This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
