Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Randomize
