she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
