Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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