I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
