My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
