i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
