I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Randomize
