dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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