The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Randomize
