Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
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guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
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every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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