Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
