The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
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