I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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