I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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