Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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