So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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