Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
