Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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