It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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