Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
