you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
