Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
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