Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
