Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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