tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
