Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
