I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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