He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
