my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I understand Curling. That high.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Randomize
