just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
