there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
