when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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