wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
