help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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