I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
