remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
