Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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